I'm always thinking about the finish, the shutting down, the end. It can be any thing...The end of the day, bed time, dinner being finished, the school year... the month... my life. I'm always thinking about the end. This being something that isn't always positive. I mean the end of laundry is the bomb! But tomorrow starts another load, it's never really "over", but in the moment when it is O.V., there is a sense of relief...That relief last about 2.8 seconds in my house. BUT HEY! At least I've experienced said, relief.
In the new year, knowing I would be full of hair and photography and girl scouts and gymnastics and trying to make dinner a few times a week and writing encouraging notes to myself daily and (lol this is ridiculous) more. The one thing I didn't want was to feel guilt. I felt SO much guilt in 2016... In 2017- knowing my challenges and goals- guilt and aggressiveness were top on my list to get under control. I would prioritize, get shit done and waste no time with mindless activity (AKA facebook).
I literally can not stand FB... Everything about it, yet I can't look away and my main excuse (which is a valid one) is my business. BUT MAN!! I can get caught up in that mess - I don't even comment in the drama. Still, somehow, I'm all caught up. I mean, it can even ruin my day... I immediately start thinking of the end. When is this going to end? Is it ever going to end? I'm gonna have a heart attack.... I have cancer.... I'm gonna die... I mean, seriously. Just last night death thoughts took a hold of me (death thoughts : you gone die. Quite possibly right now, in this very moment). I hadn't prayed in a long time, but I prayed last night. Boy, and I prayed hard! I prayed over our home, over my husband, my children... everything. I'm thankful for prayer in times like those ESP when reality is: cancer or a heart attack COULD really happen. Death, eventually, WILL happen. Clearly, I lived through the night to tell you about it, but y'all. That's so scary to me. Death. It's overwhelming. There is so much to do on Earth, right? For who? God? My kids? My husband? Myself? Whoa... All of the above? I mean, maybe... and if so, I have no time for mindless activity. There are things I could be doing! I could bagging food for the homeless at the Mana house verses looking for the meme I want to use in this thread of comments... There are things that could make a difference. That's where I want to be. Where-ever there is... Behind the chair? Volunteering? Being kind? I can't change the world...And I'm coming to grips with that. But I can change the lives of those I impact daily. You can change someones day with a warm welcome and smile. You can share something encouraging VS something disappointing. These are hard times we are living in, ESP in America where we are almost equally divided. These are changing days ahead, there is history being written, these are new days - with one common denominator; no one is really sure what's going to happen, but soon it will be over...
And then, it's over.
Choose your time wisely.
<3
capture this season of life.
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"write your heart in words."